New Week

So, a new week dawns and once more I am 100% unprepared. Good news though, in doing a lot of review and paperwork organization I realized I had paid for a cover of a book I’m only just drafting.

The working name that it’s had* up to now has been Tantis, but no way am I gonna be able to sell a book with that title, so I changed it to The Spirits Of The Gods because it is very relevant given the plot. Anyway, I thought that it would be a hassle to go back to the designers and get it done but no, they just asked me for the details and made the corrections and I have it with me not. It’s nothing super amazing, but for having gotten it for like 49 usd, I’m beyond happy with it. (yes, all my covers I got on sale, cos I’m a one woman show in the middle of nowhere, mexico). This book will probably not be published for years, mainly because I think it’s gonna take me a few years to write it, but I just want to mention it because it’s one of the stories that takes place in the SoulShattered world. And in fact, one of the new characters that appears on that book is the main character inf spirits of the gods. Actually, most main characters in spirits of the gods appear on Broken Innocence (SoulShattered 2), which is kinda funny to me and makes me snicker whenever I remember that. Also, I changed the name of the world too, but that’s too long to get into right now, I just wanted to say that I am very happy for my new cover.

I also finally finished one of the main climax scenes for BloodSong and only have another one to finish and then it’s all super simple editing from there forward. I’m so excited, it’s unreal. I want to be done with this edit so desperately, you have no idea. I’m gonna make a video about the emotional cycle that I always go through with every book I write but it roughly goes “excitement, joy, happiness, mild dislike, struggle, annoyance, disappointment, anger, outright hate.” Never fails, and I am very firmly in the outright hate point of the cycle which will last until I publish this thing. Nothing concerning, I am just, as usual, full of hatred for what I have created. This will pass.

I have heavy season at work and family visits both at the same time for the upcoming future and it’s making the writing difficult but I’m still pushing through.

I’ve been dithering with the idea of deleting my fics because of various reasons for the last few months (will make a video going over the reasons later) and I’m finally doing it. It was harder than I though it would be, not because I love those stories, I really don’t. But rather because of the comments that I got and the people who have bookmarked the stories. The other day I got a comment from someone that said something like “This is the third time I’ve read this story and it’s amazing” and my resolve cracked again.

But the more I see the fics I still have up, the more I disagree with what they represent and the ideas that they push and the things I depicted. So much, that I decided to start deleting them despite how I feel, and I’m starting by deleting the ones that have no comments and the least views just to make it easier on myself.

At the risk of sounding like I’m defending myself (which I’m not, because I actively wrote all of this shit out of my own will, and there’s no going back on that), the more I review the things I really, really dislike about my fics, they are all things that I didn’t even like back when I wrote them. In fact, just early this morning I was deleting a few and I came upon two that had pairings that I really didn’t like. I believe one was Prussia/Romano and the other was Italy/Romano. When I realized that I had written that since all the way back in 2014 or so I was so pissed off at myself. Like, why the hell did I even take those requests when even back then I hated them? I’m really so mad, it’s no wonder that the more I wrote, the worse it got. By the time that I got to the stuff I made for Saint Seiya, no wonder it was so easy for me to write even worse stuff. And yeah, a lot of it was good in that I really liked the messages and the emotions, but… I just can’t get over how much I hate those stories.

It’s gonna be really hard to delete my Saint Seiya stories, not gonna lie, because they have a lot of comments. They also mean a lot to me, I enjoyed the writing like you don’t even know. It was some of the most exciting and fun writing I had ever done up to then, and that was when I really started to deal with more complex characters and deeper emotional stories, but… This is what I get for compromising on what I know is wrong. This is what I get for creating things that I am opposed to and that I know are wrong. And all for what? Just to get attention on a fandom? I’m so angry at myself.

And to be honest this isn’t even such a hugely bad thing. All in all this might amount to about 3k of words out of the half a million that I ever wrote in fanfic, and stories which had at most a couple hundred views (if at that), so it’s not like it’s such a huge thing where there are a ton of eyes on me. But the thing that really gnaws at me is that I went against what I knew to be right. No one may be looking, but I still know that it was wrong. And the fact that I know it and that God knows it, is enough for me to rage at it. To rage at the fact that I didn’t like what I was doing and I did it anyway.

You know what? I’m gonna delete those fics even harder :/

*For the past like, 20 or so years, because this was one of the very first few original stories I ever created. Not the very first one, but very close up there.